"i wish i could write. i get these ideas but i never seem to be able to put them in words."
f. scott fitzgerald
i’m loving this outfit. i wish i looked this cute when i wear my plaid and boots and blazers. i just end up looking like a boy. maybe it’s my short hair?
i literally just looked at damion/elena shit on tumblr for like an hour and a half. i am not embarrassed to say that i am obsessed with vampire diaries. i mean, yes, i will admit that all last year i denied all rumors of my love for the show, but now i will not hid in the closet anymore! i cannot wait until october. i cannot fucking wait. i love tv so much. it’s a real bad habit. i blame netflix. instantly being able to watch several season of a show is like so hard for me to resist.
all i update about these days is how much homework i have/how much homework i need to do/how much homework i have done.
i feel like my blog is just betting more and more boring as each day passes.
but, just to stay in the spirit of things!
i have finally finished my online math homework. it took me forever to understand how to do, etc. (i missed my math class on thursday, due to seeing the fucking president, so i had to teach myself the lesson online.) all i have to do now homework wise is read for my english and foreign relations class. however, i don’t think that is too important, because every time i do the reading i go in the next day and it seems like it wouldn’t have mattered if i had read it or not. what i really need to do is work on my extra-credit essay for my interpersonal communications class and also work on my speech. i have to give my speech on tuesday and i am not feeling confident at all with it.
i should probably eat dinner, but i’m not really hungry and nothing sounds like it would be good. i don’t eat very much anymore. i just don’t see the point. i don’t know. my eating disorder behaviors are probably slipping back in, oh well. i’m too tired to care.
so i usually don’t find myself listening to this type of music… but after watching drive and drooling over all the music, i have added the whole soundtrack to my youtube favorites and it has been on repeat all day.
i needed to see this on my dashboard. seriously, how fucking appropriate. yesterday and today i have just felt like i have nothing left in me, but i suppose there is always a little left and people just don’t realize it.
slept until 10:00 am.
had coffee, turkey bacon, and fruit for breakfast.
went on a bike ride for 1 hour and 15 minutes at water canyon.
ate a delicious turkey sandwich and bbq chips for lunch.
worked on my math homework with my dad. (i cannot seem to get this one concept down. i have seriously done the same type of problem three times and i keep getting it wrong. i don’t know what i’m doing incorrect. it’s really wearing me down. especially because the problems take like 10 minutes to do.)
i need to read like 50 pages for my classes tomorrow and i need to write my essay for my communications class.
i am just so tired. i am worn out. life is wearing me out. i feel useless right now.
i go to bed sad tonight.
Anonymous said: dont be scared!!!
it is tooooooooooo fuckin late. (i have no idea why i am typing like that) i took a vicodin… i’m not in any pain, but i want to go to sleep and not think about anything. this is probably classified as “abusing drugs”. i have been through the AA program, i know how this shit goes. honestly, i felt like drinking tonight. i haven’t had a drink in almost a year and a half. now, for the past six months or so i have thought long and hard about it and i feel like i am really not an alcoholic. yes, i think i was drinking far too much a while back, but i think mainly it was depression and i was seeking attention. i remember even lying about how much alcohol i drank on a regular basis in order to get into a treatment program. (i am, or should i say, was so fucked up) -i also have the worst grammar in the world. i don’t know any of the rules and i don’t care. the point is i almost drank tonight, but there still is a tiny part of me that thinks, oh no what if i am an alcoholic and i drink and then BOOM i can’t handle it and i ruin my life again. so i decided best not to drink. but now i am just taking my leftover pain medication… not too much better i suppose. i am in emotional pain, so maybe it’ll held that? i’m jk! i know that isn’t how it works, silly! i don’t even remember what the question was. oh wait, i can read it. the question wasn’t even a question at all, more of a statement: “don’t be scared” okay, i will not be scared.